Monday, March 27, 2006

Pretty "Made's" All In A Row?

Here's my story, and I'm sticking to it, but I don't think this team's gonna make the playoffs. That's without looking at the skeds of any team other than the Oilers. And I'll admit it's a strange stance given the fact that the Oilers last 10 game segment, and first and foremost their next four game homestand, isn't daunting by anybody's imagination.

Well anybody's imagination but mine of course;)

In any case here's a look in an effort to discredit myself:) The rest of you can maybe compile the winning %'s of the other contenders remaining skeds and maybe we can make some sense of all this. At the end of the day I don't believe in our goaltending and I don't think Lowe does either. Ultimately I think it will be our undoing but I'd love to be wrong about that.

Note: if the Oilers grab six points and/or 3 W's from the next four games then even I'd have a tough time convincing myself they won't make the playoffs. Though I promise to try just for the sake of discussion.

The aforementioned first four at Rexall are against the Wild, Kings, Flames and Coyotes. That quartet is a collective 9 games under .500 when it comes to playing away from their home barns but the Wild really drags this group down as it's 5 games under the cut mark on the road.

Of course three of the Wild's 12 road victories have come at Rexall so at this point the only crew that feels more comfortable at Rexall are the Dallas Stars at springtime and no I didn't forget what Keane said back in '01;)

Remember the old days when two points against the Wild were nestled more safely in the bank than Jeremy Jacobs first dollar? Cue old timey voice, "Well back in my day the Wild were so bad that Josh Green could score two goals against them in the same game!! And there was this time they even won with Jaquoin Gage in net."

Those days have long since passed and now we have to ask nicely for Pierre Marc Bouchard to allow us to have the puck on a scattered shift.

I won't catch the first period of this game because I missed The Sopranos last night so I could watch the first period from Colorado so I'll catch the re-cast tomorrow night. But if I flip over to find Principe talking in the first intermission about a 2-0 Wild lead let's say I won't be the least bit surprised.

Note: After this game and after at least one soft goal allowed by Roloson I expect Lowe to enter deflection mode and not only threaten the families of his veteran players, in an effort to motivate them of course;) but to keep the players from procreating with new spouses he'll also bring about the promise of vasectomies if the malaise continues. Apprently there's another Lowe brother out there who's skilled in said art.

Dwayne Roloson declines to comment when asked about why he's exempt from Lowe's latest decree.

Thursday night brings a visit from the newly ruddered Los Angeles Kings. I will hereby shock the masses and predict an Oilers victory in this game and it will even happen in regulation. The Kings last visit to Edm coincided with the apex of the Oilers campaign. It was on Dec 23rd, or Tib's Eve as we call it here in Newfoundland and I don't know what you might ever do with that piece of information but I gave it to you anyway because I'm generous like that, and after an Oilers victory the club stood 10 games over .500 and we're in first place in the Northwest Divison. Kevin Lowe promptly streaked naked down Jasper Avenue and everyone congratulated him. Somewhere not in the inaudible distance a bell rang because everytime someone looks Lowe in the eye and doesn't mention his combover an angel gets it's wings.

Sat night will bring a HNIC visit and the Calgary Flames will also drop in. Kipper will predictably outplay Rolo and the Oilers will lose by no less than two goals. Jim Hughson and Darrly Sutter will be equally pleased though Sutter's face will indicate he's just won a lifetime's supply of used diapers. In a related note this will also bring about the return to Edm of former favorite son Jamie Lundmark who's AJHL scoring exploits were only matched by his propensity for puck bunnies. Never one to miss out on a oppurtunity Oilers president Patrick Laforge will announce a new promotion called "Which former conquest of Lundmark has had the most STD's."? The contestants will pay $50 apiece to have their medical records examined and in turn the winner will only have to pay $5 for the next Oilers PPV telecast.

Monday will bring about a hastily called news conference where Lowe will announce that kidnappings have been executed and all the vasectomies have indeed taken place including procedures on Reasoner and Cross. In a related story the Society For The Offspring Of People Resembling John Merrick announce they have made Detriot the permanent home of their yearly conference. Somewhere in the distance Darryl Sutter makes a mental note to make sure he's always in Det at least one time a year when the Flames aren't playing. Back to our fearless leader and when asked why the procedures didn't include other ex-Oilers and non goalies Rita and Semenov Lowe opines that he only hopes they will prolifically produce offspring so that when his son, Vish Percy-Lowe, runs an NHL team there's a few players he won't have to worry about scoring against his club.

To that end Lowe sends a crate of seal penis to both Pittsburgh and Florida.

Lowe ends the presser by saying family members will be returned and procedures reversed if the team just plays better in front of Roloson.

Tuesday night means it's Coyotes time and Phoenix has been far from an easy touch for the Oilers. Early in the season the Oilers lost to the Yotes in OT on a Derek Morris goal and both visits to Phoenix needed extra time before the score was settled, ie the Oilers blew a third period lead in the first game before losing in a shootout and the second game had Pronger scoring with less than a second remaining in regulation before Morrison lead us to a shootout W. A tender but defiant Oilers team will eek out a victory in the SO as Gretzky feels bad for holding onto CuJo at the deadline and thus throws us a bone in starting young pup David LeNeveu.

Ryan Smyth will be interviewed and as teams stream down his face he'll gently caress the pictures of his family and promise that to a man the team will continue to work until they learn to keep the shots on goal to 15 or less.

10 Comments:

Anonymous James Vander Woude said...

Man... what are you like after a loss?

3/27/2006 7:22 pm  
Anonymous lowetide said...

If Lundmark scores Saturday it's on you Dennis. :-)

3/27/2006 10:11 pm  
Blogger RiversQ said...

Wow, Dennis is turning into Claude before our eyes. (That's your best reference thus far, so I'm paying homage) It must be the Hoyas crashing out that did it to him.

The Oilers are going to get 4 or 5 goals in a game pretty shortly because several players are due. Hemsky probably has a multi-goal game built up at this point - too many chances and too much skill for this kind of drought to continue. The PP is still waiting to explode as well. I'm not convinced the goaltending will hold up so I hope some finishing is in order.

3/27/2006 10:43 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That last paragraph is gold. Interesting reads fellas, glad I found you to help my procrastination habit. :D

brewerfan

3/27/2006 11:02 pm  
Blogger Dennis said...

Well of course I was only being half serious and I hope that was conveyed. Do I think the Oilers will somehow manage to miss the playoffs? Yeah I do. The netminding is shaky at best and yes a guy like Hemsky appears to be due because he's getting lots of opps and the PP should be able to roll but I wonder how many games in a row we can score four goals?

Because that's what it looks like we'll need.

The only thing I'd say for certain is that LA finishes in 10th and SJ makes it in.

3/28/2006 11:02 am  
Blogger Dennis said...

http://edmontonsun.ca/Sports/Hockey/2006/03/28/1508927-sun.html

A decent breakdown of the team's skeds down the stretch. At this point the Oilers would have to just about totally shit the bed to miss the playoffs.

Yet I still don't have total faith in them.

Note: tough sledding for the Ducks the rest of the way. Can they remain hot or will it catch up to them? Hopefully they start to get "Oilers hot" which means lots of single points but everyone think it's great that you don't lose after 60:)

3/28/2006 12:04 pm  
Blogger mudcrutch79 said...

the PP should be able to roll but I wonder how many games in a row we can score four goals?

Because that's what it looks like we'll need.


You're too pessimistic Dennis. If Rolo has found his game, we're fine. They won't need 4 goals most nights-they held Van to 2 the otehr night and Colorado to 3. Stay out of the box and they'll be fine.

3/28/2006 12:31 pm  
Blogger Dennis said...

Anyone else still think this team don't need four goals a game?

I haven't watched hockey for as many years as Vic and LT but I've watched enough to never overestimate the potential of a team with shitty netminding.

I would say we allowed seven scoring chances tonight...tops...and yet Red Light Roloson lets in three goals and the last one to Rolston was just beyond awful. Giving up easy five hole goals at this point is akin to a shortstop letting two-hoppers go through his legs.

3/28/2006 9:27 pm  
Blogger Vic Ferrari said...

Well Dennis, you're looking like a soothsayer at this point. And that's not good. :(

Terrible game by Roloson. The Oilers forwards were miles better than Minnesota's skaters tonight. The Oilers D made a few gaffs ... and almost every one ended up in their own net. Just terrible.

Who starts Thursday? Are we back to this yet?

3/28/2006 10:58 pm  
Blogger Dennis said...

Well I dunno if we're back to that yet...we should be but throwing Red Light over the side at this point would be a direct admission that Lowe made a mistake and I can't see those measures being taken.

As for me being a soothsayer...it doesn't take Nostradaumus to see that Roloson is shit and once you come to that realization then you know no lead or playoff spot is safe.

3/28/2006 11:12 pm  

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