Sunday, January 10, 2010

Waiting on a cure.

Lately, I feel like a bad viagra commercial.

That's right, I said what I said. Viagra. Viagra, viagra, viagra. But why?

I feel this way, you see, because lately I've got an awfully bad case of "doing things that are healthy for me". Every time the Oilers have a game I suddenly feel compelled to go for a run... or ask my girlfriend how she's feeling... or heck, even study for one of my 18 1/2 courses this semester. Anything, anything, ANYTHING but watch the Oilers.

How has this happened? How has this happened to a guy whose first hockey memories revolve around a 1990 comeback vs the Jets and a Klima goal in the finals vs the Bruins? A guy who, as a 12 year old, cried when Bill Ranford was traded? Who spent his youth doing everything in his power to mode his playing style into Toronto's high school hockey version of Ryan Smyth?

It's actually quite simple. The Oilers fucking suck. And for the time being, they're very, very good at that. Have you ever seen, in the middle of a Winnipeg (or Edmonton) winter, one of those 18 or 20 year old women who seems to inexplicably insist on going everywhere in a skirt or short shorts? Who somehow gets sluttier when the weather turns frosty despite the obvious health/death implications? Who has one or three Chinese symbol lower back tattoos???

The Edmonton Oilers suck more than she does. A lot more.

The Oilers have no Smyth. No Hemsky. No Khabibulin (which is, clearly, a shock to us all - just ask Mudcrutch.) No testicular or even ovarian fortitude. They have no gumption, spunk, pizazz, or even hutzpah (spit). No je ne sais quois or comment on dit? Just roughly 6/12 forwards who would be strained to make a playoff team's roster and a first and second cap that are both maxed out no matter what the papers tell you.

So here I am: afflicted with going to the gym, reading, spooning, and even occasionally (and terribly briefly) "lovemaking". And it's pretty much all Kevin Lowe's fault.

I wonder if the lady and I should send him a thank you note.


Blogger Showerhead said...

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1/10/2010 11:24 pm  

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